Washing hands and men

Today I became aware of another sin that men are guilty of, that of inadequately washing our hands. I know that when I am in a train station I turn the faucet on and open my right hand to allow water to rain over it for two seconds and I'm done. Occasionally, if I have time, the left hand will also get the same treatment.

Apparently this is causing all sorts of afflictions, including that Chinese virus and other maladies. Women, at least according to the aforementioned article, spend five minutes washing their hands using a variety of soaps, perfumes and lotions to perform the task. This is why women are less likely to spread disease if more likely to pick up things.

Since I have retired I have noticed that I have been getting fewer colds. I attribute this to not having to ride elevators all day with co-workers suffering various levels of infections. I don't wash my hands any differently now but have more time to spend in the bathroom clipping my nails and mustache.

Editor's note: Coronavirus not "that Chinese virus"

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day 

For my entire childhood and on into early adulthood my father and I happily strolled through February with a smile on our faces, never having to think about what to give Mother for Valentine’s Day. My girlfriend, when I had one, might have gotten something but that was as far as it went. The thing that ruined it was that darn beauty parlor.

One February 14 Mother went to the beauty parlor and all the customers sat in their chairs bragging about all the things their husbands and their children were giving them for Valentine’s Day. One talked about the beautiful roses her son sent here from Florida. Another talked about the cruise her husband was taking her on for Valentine’s Day. The hairdresser was so pleased with the chocolates her son had given her that morning.

That night at dinner boy did we get it. “This one is getting a cruise. That one got an expensive watch. This one is going out to Le Freup a Tell in Manhattan. And what are you giving me?” My father looked surprised. He didn’t know he was supposed to give her something. He never had in the past and they all had been happy as clams at high tide.

He put his arms around her and said “All of my love”. That didn’t work. She looked at me.

I tried to rescue the situation. “But mother, Valentine’s Day isn’t for your mother! It’s for your girlfriend or your mistress!” That didn’t work either. From then, every year, we had to give her something for Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day. You’re just getting over the Christmas bills and along comes Valentine’s Day. And you have to give candy to your secretary and the ladies at work. More money coming out of the poor man’s pocket. Happy Valentine’s Day to all.

Editor's note: This oldie was originally published in 2007.