What it's like to be in a studio audience

About two months ago I was checking my email and I got a notice from my regular airline saying I had until June to redeem my frequent flyer miles. Turns out that after some searching, I figured out I had sufficient miles to go practically anywhere in the good old USA as long as I was real flexible about dates and times. Well, trigger warning, I decided to go to L-A. I've always wanted to see Groman's Chinese theatre and thought it would be fun to warm up after all the New Jersey winter warning. After more Internet browsing I thought, "maybe I could see a tv show". Soon I was signed up to see the Maggie Waggie show. I was real excited now.

Truth to be told, I did see a tv show once in the sixties. I was walking with my mother on Broadway one school holiday after seeing a Radio City movie with the Rockettes. Out of the blue, this man came up to my mother and said, "Would you like to watch the Merv Griffin show? We are starting in a few minutes." The next thing I knew we were in the Little Theatre and Arthur Treacher walked out onto the stage and told a few jokes and explained that the laugh sign meant you had permission to laugh if you thought the joke merited a chuckle or too. Soon Merv came out. I seem to remember Tony Randall was the guest.

Forward forty eight years and I was going to see a real tv show from L-A. It was very specific about what I could wear. Dark clothes, "casual hip" I think it said. No hats. No writing on your tees.

On the big day I got there early, having checked out of the hotel. It was quite hot out and I was a bit worried about the no hats rule. Luckily when I got to the Maggie Waggie wait line there were nice benches, awning to protect us from the sun and a fan blowing into our faces. I guess they didn't want an audience that had heat prostration. A few very tall and beautiful damsels talked to us we were marched to the door and told to go to the bathroom.

After a long wait, (there were a lot of long waits that day) the doors opened and literally where you would expect a lobby to be was the set of the show. There were lights and loud pop music and we were directed to our seats. After a while I realized the pretty people had been separated from the older, fat grumpy looking people. I did not sit with the pretty, young women and their boyfriends. For another very long wait the set was decorated with shamrocks and pots of gold. Apparently there were three consultants whose job was "set dressing" (I've become so L-A) and they put coins around the stage. Then somebody took a picture and walked backstage. After a few minutes (I suspect Maggie Waggie had some suggestions) they re-dressed the set and put gold coins on the stage floor. I guess they had trouble filling seats because people kept strolling into the audience well past the allotted time. Apparently due to this shortage of bodies the dress code was rather lax. Well it was St. Patrick's Day.

Finally the audience pumper came to motivate us into laughing our heads off and applauding like we were on Benzedrine.   Apparently TV show directors have never heard the expression, "I'll laugh when I hear something funny".

Finally, the show began. I noticed there were no speakers in the studio so you had to listen to the show real closely. The audience all laughed and applauded shamelessly. I almost had a sore throat as  I had laughed so hard during audience rehearsal. Now I know why jokes that aren't that funny get such a great response from studio audiences. After the show they did some promotions. One bit was funnier than the show had been.

Well that was about it. Having a plane to catch I missed the meet and greet with Fernando but that's life.

Editor's note: When they blip a word on tv it's the one you imagine it is. Maggie Waggie is Chelsea Handler

I can't believe it's product placement

Watching the Oscar's I thought it was fun to watch something completely spontaneous, with stars getting into the fun. I'm talking about the pictures Ellen took from the audience. It made me feel warm to watch a genuine "moment" in live coverage of the Oscars.

Turns out I was bamboozled.  It was all payed for and planned by Samsung to sell cell phones. It wasn't just Ellen taking pictures on a whim. I was so naive.

A theory about bathrooms and icy windshields

I have a theory that may change the lives of working adults throughout the world. Potentially I have made a great discovery.  For years every morning I have walked to my car in the winter not knowing whether I'll have to scrape ice off of my windshield. Although the likelihood increases as the temperature decreases, it is not always the case that low temperatures mean icy windshields. This morning, for instance, it was below 10 degrees outside but there was no ice on my windshield. 

Other mornings it can be 34 degrees out and I have to spend five minutes getting the car so I can see well enough to drive. The fact is that it is not just the cold it is also the humidity that causes this condition. 

I have a theory that you can tell what the status of your car's windows will be when you take a shower. If everything is steamed up after a shower and it is below 35 degrees out you will need your trusty ice scraper. However if you can look at your mirror in the bathroom and there is no steam, you can have an extra cup of coffee because you won't need to scrape any ice off of your car. 

The end of economic growth

An interesting if sobering video

A modern day Anna Karenina

The story of the Ukraine is a modern retelling of Anna Karenina. Married to staid old Count Karenin, Anna gets natural gas at a discount, a place to sell her goods, limited freedoms yes but security and comfort. Alas she is unhappy. She wants to be part of the West and live with Count Vronsky. She wants to sing, be free, swim with the swans, and travel to Paris and eat oysters and drink Cabernet. Count Vronsky loves Anna but cannot afford to support her extravagant lifestyle. Should Anna go to  Count Vronsky or stay with Count Karenin?

Editor's note: Looks like Count Karenin is playing a little rough.

Women's Olympic sports

This past week we have all been watching (or in my case grazing) through the Sochi Winter Olympics. We have watched women do the skeleton, the luge, curl, ski jump, and ski downhill. We have even seen the biathlon where they cross country ski, take a few pot shots at the crowd with a rifle, and then go back to skiing.

Curling I haven't figured out yet. Two women hover over what looks like an old model of a portable cd player and blow on it and scrape ice off in front of it. Some sports are best viewed in a bar.

Luge looks like a fun if dangerous sport. The Americans were cute when they waved at the cameras.

I'd like to see a few Olympic sports celebrating domestic life. In my view, women should engage in the Olympics to showcase their domestic skills. The sort of skills that would be useful for a future husband. Cooking competitions, baking contests, dish washing competitions would fill the bill. I envision stains on a huge arena floor. Contestants from each country would go out with mops and cleaners and compete over who could clean the stains first. Perhaps an ironing competition or a folding competition. Life affirming skills that would celebrate women's contributions to family life.

I guess I'm low on blood sugar from too much snow shoveling and ice scraping this morning. Happy Valentine's Day.

Beatles 50 years later

There's a lot of hoopla over the 50 year anniversary of the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show. Here's what I wrote a few years ago. Every once in a while they thaw out Ringo and put him on tv.