May we live in interesting times

Looks like we are making history again. It's so exciting. First, the British left the EU. Now the world is in a virus crisis. Americans can no longer visit Italy, Japan, or China. 

If we are to believe all the dire predictions,  we may all have to stay in our homes indefinitely and watch YouTube and Netflix. At least until the Internet dies. Parents will really get to know their children. Husbands will get to spend real quality time with their wives. We'll lose billions of dollars in the stock market and have to grow our own vegetables. 

Within a year most of us will be in our graves. At least that will be good for climate change. 

Still there is the contrarian vision. A few people will pass on, but no more than from the flu. The market will rebound. This will be a good buying opportunity. We'll get to go to work, the stores, and school as usual. It will all be a big scare, like Y2k. It might even turn out to be a great thing for the brave at heart. Airports won't be crowded and there will be lots of bargains. You'll be able to get a reservation at top Broadway shows and restaurants. Who knows? May we live in interesting times. 

Washing hands and men

Today I became aware of another sin that men are guilty of, that of inadequately washing our hands. I know that when I am in a train station I turn the faucet on and open my right hand to allow water to rain over it for two seconds and I'm done. Occasionally, if I have time, the left hand will also get the same treatment.

Apparently this is causing all sorts of afflictions, including that Chinese virus and other maladies. Women, at least according to the aforementioned article, spend five minutes washing their hands using a variety of soaps, perfumes and lotions to perform the task. This is why women are less likely to spread disease if more likely to pick up things.

Since I have retired I have noticed that I have been getting fewer colds. I attribute this to not having to ride elevators all day with co-workers suffering various levels of infections. I don't wash my hands any differently now but have more time to spend in the bathroom clipping my nails and mustache.

Editor's note: Coronavirus not "that Chinese virus"

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day 

For my entire childhood and on into early adulthood my father and I happily strolled through February with a smile on our faces, never having to think about what to give Mother for Valentine’s Day. My girlfriend, when I had one, might have gotten something but that was as far as it went. The thing that ruined it was that darn beauty parlor.

One February 14 Mother went to the beauty parlor and all the customers sat in their chairs bragging about all the things their husbands and their children were giving them for Valentine’s Day. One talked about the beautiful roses her son sent here from Florida. Another talked about the cruise her husband was taking her on for Valentine’s Day. The hairdresser was so pleased with the chocolates her son had given her that morning.

That night at dinner boy did we get it. “This one is getting a cruise. That one got an expensive watch. This one is going out to Le Freup a Tell in Manhattan. And what are you giving me?” My father looked surprised. He didn’t know he was supposed to give her something. He never had in the past and they all had been happy as clams at high tide.

He put his arms around her and said “All of my love”. That didn’t work. She looked at me.

I tried to rescue the situation. “But mother, Valentine’s Day isn’t for your mother! It’s for your girlfriend or your mistress!” That didn’t work either. From then, every year, we had to give her something for Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day. You’re just getting over the Christmas bills and along comes Valentine’s Day. And you have to give candy to your secretary and the ladies at work. More money coming out of the poor man’s pocket. Happy Valentine’s Day to all.

Editor's note: This oldie was originally published in 2007.

Impeachment hearings

Never in my life have I ever been so proud to be an American as I was last night watching the Impeachment hearings. Hearing the Republicans vote unanimously to not allow any documents or witnesses in the trial. I've never seen a trial like that! The founding fathers would be so proud. Watching the bored Senators squirm in their seats. Look, Bernie Sanders is stretching his legs. So proud to be a Senator. 

The speeches were also very moving and informative. So many surprises! A wonderful moment in America's history. 

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex

Here is the official website of Harry and Meghan. Quite refined, actually. The message is a little ambiguous though. Yes they want to change their relationship with their royal patronage but don't really explain how they hope to do it. They claim they want to live in Canada but insiders say Los Angeles is their goal. They claim they want to be financially independent. That should be interesting. Celebrities without any major talents can sometimes be disappointments when they dive into real world pursuits. I remember Chelsea Clinton's illustrious career as a commentator on NBC or Ron Reagan's tv show.

They would be ideal for a reality show but that would be too tawdry. Perhaps Harry could open a flying school. Word is that Meghan is going to do voice overs for Disney. That might work. Meghan could play an elf in a Hallmark Christmas special. Harry could be a color commentator in the upcoming Olympics.  So many people wish they had the problems of the Duke and Duchess.

Please don't jump off the bridge

Had a pleasant walk across  the Ben Franklin Bridge from Camden to Philadelphia. I couldn't help but notice that as soon as we left New Jersey for Pennsylvania we started seeing suicide prevention signs. I guess they were afraid we were going to all jump off the bridge into the Delaware River.

Coming back we saw more signs. After crossing into New Jersey again the signs stopped. I guess they don't care if you commit suicide in New Jersey.

Why are we so obsessed with Jane Austen

Becoming bored with the Golden Globe awards, I switched channels and happened upon a BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth as Mr. Darby. The last time I was at the movies I saw a coming attraction for a new production of Emma. I notice Channel 13 has on the cover of its January program guide "Sanditon", a new production of Jane Austen's last novel. Why, I asked, this obsession with Jane Austen? She seems to be America's hottest novelist and yet she died almost two hundred years ago.

At the heart of her work is the task of finding a suitable partner, made more difficult if there is no male heir for the estate. A partner should have the social skills to dance the quadrille and the minuet, play whist, duel, and have enough property to provide an adequate income. A woman must have dancing skills, play the piano, know how to dine in a formal setting, speak intelligently, and ideally be comely, refined and ideally also have an income.

When you looked at a potential partner, you saw them, as well as their estate. Just like when people look at a retired civil servant, they see his  handsome appearance as well as his  pension.

As America moves away from being a meritocracy and moves towards a country where the success of your parents and grandparents will have more import than your SAT scores, we are learning from Jane Austen how to live in the new/old world. Rather than be taught math, women of the the future will base their success on their abilities at the piano, the quilt, and the selection of appropriate attire for a picnic by the lake of their summer property.