Adult school

Apparently, millennials don't know how to do some of the things we adults know how to do. I was just reading this article about how lame millennials are. Apparently they don't know how to make a bed, set a table or change a tire.
In horror, I realized that I have grown terribly rusty myself on these apparent life skills.
Skill:                     Last time I did it
Making a bed        The last time I really made my bed was in 1998 when my        mother was visiting from Texas.

Setting a table       The last time I set a table was in October.

Changed a tire       The last time I changed a tire was when I owned the Escort in                                1995.

Changing a diaper  I have never changed a diaper.

Put up Christmas lights outside     I helped put up Christmas lights the day after Thanksgiving in 2010.

Cooked breakfast for a hungry group of people   I have never cooked breakfast     for a hungry group of people.

Carved a turkey                              I have never carved a turkey.

Made dinner rolls for Thanksgiving dinner   Last month I made dinner rolls for a hungry group of people.

Put up a Christmas tree                   I helped put up a Christmas tree last week.

Chopped down a Christmas tree     I chopped down a Christmas tree in 1984.

Change a smoke detector                I changed a smoke detector last year.

Grow vegetables                              I grew tomatoes two years ago.

Fold sheets                                       I have never folded sheets.

The four rules of life

Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. Never make a Secretary of Defense a man called "Mad dog."  Just saying. 

Editor's note: Nelson Algren wrote the three rules of life. 

The dilemma of the unwanted plant

I think we've all been in this situation. You go to a meeting and you have a nice lunch. Afterwards the speaker tells you to look under your chair. If you have a picture of a daisy you get to take home the centerpiece. I won the centerpiece, which, as it turns out, was a plant. It was called a gerbera, according to the plant tag.

I brought it home and it was pretty until all the flowers fell off. Now it sits in a prime spot in my small kitchen window, drinking up the winter sun and absorbing frequent waterings. It is always dry. I divided the plant in half (actually I think the centerpiece had several plants) and it is also taking up valuable window space in the office.

There it sits. I think to myself, if it died, I could really use that pot for one of the African violets that I grew from a leaf and is now getting big.

The dilemma of the unwanted plant. Like an unwanted dog or an unwanted child, it takes up time, space and resources. And how am I rewarded? By looking at its yellowing leaves. It has healthy leaves coming in, though. Oh what does one do with an unwanted plant. If it had flowers I could give it as a Christmas gift but it would be tacky to give someone that ugly thing.

Perhaps in the spring it will sprout more flowers. Then I'll be happy I didn't abandon it. Perhaps it will die. I could use that pot and window space.

Happy turkey day

I've been lazy but here is a Thankgiving blast from the past. I promise to bring back Aunt Agnes and her views on our next president. Happy turkey day!

Garrison Keillor on Trump

Garrison Killore had a nice column today.

I need to start hanging out in more old man bars. I thought Hillary was going to win. There's a world out there that doesn't read the Times or watch Colbert.

Jack T Chick has died

It was the first week of my Freshman year at Rutgers. I was coming out of the Student Center when a man handed me what I thought was a comic book. It was called "This was your life". I read it and shared it with my dorm mates. In future weeks I got more of these comics. I had quite a collection at one time. These books taught me the meaning of irony. 

This past week he has been memorialized throughout the media. A cornerstone of American culture has passed. 

Play dates

I am now working on another floor at work. The move has been long and hard and next week I'll get fitted for a back brace. One nice thing about my new lunchroom is I can eavesdrop on conversations, which allows me to get a new grasp on life as it is lived in our country.

Not surprising, I have found that young men still talk about sports at the lunch table. As they get older the conversation will move on to home projects and finally, health problems. 

The women's table has reassured me that women, at the end of the day, still talk about children primarily, especially children's health issues. I have learned that one daughter is both afraid of the dentist and getting shots. In my day my face would meet my mother's hand and all my phobias would have been solved. 

The other way I have of learning about life is through situation comedies. My favorite show this fall is Better Things,  starring Louie C. K.'s co star, Pamela Aldon. From this show I have learned that the real purpose of play dates is that it is a way for divorced Mom's to meet up with divorced Dad's. The kids are just the pretext.

Thank you Mother and Father. They never made me go on a play date. Since I was disliked by all the kids at school it would have been excruciatingly embarrassing to have to be involved in setting up a play date. Perhaps things are better now. Kids seem more worldly and are taught social skills at an earlier age. 

Nah. I went to two kids birthday parties in my life, never was the star of one, and don't regret it. I also never went on a play date. 

Editor's note: I made up the part about getting a back brace.