British detective shows

Idle hands being the devil's workshop, I have gotten into the habit of watching a lot of British television shows on the telly. I watch Vera, Grantchester, Midsomer Murders, Father Brown, Paradise, and that Australian show about the doctor who butts into police business (Doctor Blake). Following the lead of Miss Marple, in these shows the enlightened amateur, typically a priest, a minister, or a doctor knows more than the civil servant who is paid to solve crimes. 

There is usually an old woman who butts in, occasionally a wife or a girlfriend, and recently an attractive reporter has been appearing in  these shows. I don't know how she dresses so well with a reporter's salary. 

I've become such a regular that I can tell you in advance who committed the deed. It is a pleasant fellow or lady who is introduced early on. Midway through the show we are told about a sketchy character. He is casually mentioned by a witness and then the show moves onto a cheesy laundromat with an over the hill matron. "Jack Barnes, he's in the back" we hear in a cockney accent, in a voice worsened by years of smoking and whiskey. The camera passes to poor Jack, who puts down his iron and runs out the back door. 

The youngish assistant detective runs hither and thither through lower Thrispwich and Jack Barnes is captured. The next scene he is in the witness room at headquarters. He pleads his innocence, tells about another unrelated criminal activity, and in the next scene is released. 

Finally near the end of the show the actual culprit is discovered and we find him standing in the middle of a bridge about to throw himself into the Thames. He is talked down by the detective, or perhaps the doctor or priest, with the promise that he'll only get a year or two for manslaughter. 

How I'd love to see a show where the witness runs and is not captured. In the last scene, the principals talk about how its a shame they were not able to solve the case. Or if they would let the man throw himself into the river and in the last scene we would find out he was as innocent as the new fallen snow. 

I painted my kitchen cabinets

Last week I went to two bars. Yes I had to sit under an umbrella outside but I still got to go to real bars. I have been looking forward to this time for months. In a week or two I'll even be able to sit in the bar indoors. New Jersey did its penance and soon we will be rewarded with the pleasures of hanging out in bars. Unlike Florida which refused to do its penance and now has rising cases of the virus. Like the ants and the grasshoppers, us ants get to enjoy our new found freedoms and the grasshoppers have to suffer. I feel like the kid who did his Catechism and is rewarded with ice cream while the kid next door did not study his Catechism and has to eat spinach. 

I knew people would be bragging about all the projects they took on the past few months. Newly painted living rooms. Kids who can now speak Latin and play the piano. I knew I needed something to say I did, besides growing a beard. I figured painting my kitchen cabinets would be a nice project to take up. Painting took me four days and I dedicated an average of four hours each day to the project. I used lots of masking tape and moved very slowly. Old wooden cabinets sop up paint so they needed multiple coats. I did get some droplets on the floor but I'm planning to get new tiles in the next year anyway so it all worked out. 

One  thing I did learn. Plastic drop cloths suck. The old fashioned cloth drop cloths worked much better. 

Editor's note: The governor of New Jersey is delaying the opening of indoor dining and drinking.

Returning to normal

It looks like things may be starting to get back to normal soon. It will be a readjustment for many of us. The once a week shower will have to be replaced with at the very least a thrice weekly event. We will be able to eat in restaurants, albeit in limited circumstances, ie dining in the parking lot of our favorite place. People we have been able to avoid because of covid19 will want to see us again. Volunteer commitments will have to be re evaluated. 

I drove to Delaware to get a taste of the new normal. I went to the  Christiana mall off Route 95 and walked around, bought a book, and even ate a burrito in the food court. It was a thrill. 

The biggest decision for most men will be what to do about the beard. Millions of men throughout the world have answered that timeless question "I wonder what I would look like with a beard?" with the shaveless option. Of course when no one will see you except your doctor and the liquor store clerk it is easier to sport a goatee than when you have to visit friends and relatives who know you and will have opinions on the topic. I have taken a poll to see what my Facebook friends think. It would be easier to have a wife who would make an non negotiable decision. 

Aunt Agnes on shopping

I went to the supermarket today. I had to wear one of those silly masks. I haven't worn a mask since a Halloween party I went to in the 80s. I went as the lone rangers's wife. I looked like I was going to rob a bank, but I guess I didn't look any worse that anyone else. 

I noticed everybody was real polite in the store. Soon as I got anywhere near to a shelf all the people cleared out of my way. I no longer had to shove my way through to get to the salad dressing. They had toilet paper this time. Is it just me or did they double the price? 

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had a special line for people over sixty. That's one thing I'd like to see continued even when things get back to normal. It's a shame that man ahead of me was so slow and had so many problems. It would have been faster to get on the line with the teenagers. If only I could figure out how these barcode scanner things worked. 

When I got home I washed my hands. Now it's time to cook dinner. The bars are still closed. Good  thing I have some cooking sherry in the closet. Don't want to go out past curfew!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend

As we slowly come out of the big sleep that was social distancing we can celebrate Memorial Day. Here is an oldie but goodie.

Public restrooms in the age of Cholera

Today I took a walk in my local park. Regretting a recent cup of coffee, I was about to perform in the wooded area one of those  tasks that are easier for men than women to execute when I was surprised to see that the restroom was open.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUZEtVbJT5c
The bathroom was open!

Another indication that we may be entering phase 1 on the way to that glorious day when I can join the regulars at my favorite bar in enjoying the pleasures of drink.

Being nostalgic, I remembered one of the happiest days of my childhood, when I joined my father and my oldest brother in joining the men in urinating into the trough at Yankee Stadium. Nothing makes a nine year old kid feel more like a man than joining the throng at a major metropolitan ballpark on a hot summer's day. All that beer and soda has to go somewhere.

Face masks

A new cottage industry has sprung up in America. The selling of face masks. I got mine from a member of a meetup group and I now possess two cloth masks which I can wear when I go to the store. I take one with me when I go to the park but have recently noticed that most people aren't wearing masks there and anyway, there aren't that many people that you can't avoid them. I just don't breathe when I pass a hiker or dog on a walkway. 

Masks can also be used as fashion statements. You can spend serious money on one if you choose. Lately, because I'm old, I can get a free one from my local senior center. They are also finally cropping up at the Shop-Rite (for sale). 

I have noticed most people are wearing the standard hospital blue models. I have a more fashionable brown cloth model. When they open up the coronavirus museum in a couple of years, there should be a nice assortment of the things on display. 

The other thing I have noticed is that men seem to be growing beards. Below the masks I have noticed lots of facial hair among the masculine set. I am also growing a beard. It allows me to feel that at least I am doing something productive during my sojourn.