A bartender with a heavy hand

 

When I was home from college one summer I announced to the folks that a few buddies and I were going to New Milford for an evening out. My father was curious and asked, "What's in New Milford?" I said we were going to a bar where the bartender had a heavy hand. 

Apparently the thought made my father nostalgic for his Army days. "When we were on leave we would travel to a place way up the road to find a bartender with a heavy hand. It's always good to find a bartender who knows how to pour a drink."

Many years later I was driving in New Mexico and saw a sign as I entered a small town saying, "Welcome, our bartenders have heavy hands". 

Today, though, I was sitting under a circus tent and the drinks came out in tiny plastic cups. No room there for a bartender with a heavy hand. I can't wait til they come out with a vaccine. 

Southern Gothic

                        

Teenage bounty hunters is my latest discovery on Netflix. It is an adventure/comedy that coalesces around the major subtexts of Southern literature. It combines oversexed teenagers, that old time religion, guns, race, lawlessness and Southern cuisine in a brunswick stew of an experience. After watching a few episodes, the viewer can claim a deep seated knowledge of the culture of the American South. 

Like Faulkner, Carson McCullers and Tennessee Williams, this show demonstrates the dark heart of the American South by gazing at a typical Atlanta family and its twin teens and their bible thumping classmates. For fun and monetary gain they bounty hunt and experience carnal pleasures leading to the existential guilt that comes from departing from  the path of righteousness. 

Biden's grandkids

 

One of the cutesier moments of the virtual convention was the segment with Biden's granddaughters. Apparently the kids talk with grandpa every day and Mr. B always takes their calls even when giving a speech. 

I guess I didn't come from a close family but for me, conversations between my parents and their grandsons were rare and cursory affairs. A grunt or two at Thanksgiving dinner or a yes or no answer to a nosy question at Christmas was the extent of the communication between generations. I can't imagine how an unsolicited phone call to the kids would be received. Perhaps an annoyed response and a quick call to the parents that grandpa should get a life. 

Being cynical, I can imagine the kids calling Grandpa when they need a favor. $40,000 for a new car or $20,000 so the kids can stay with their friends in Monaco. Perhaps a friend who wants a government internship merits a call to the former Vice President. I guess I am skeptical of phone calls between rich grandparents and their needy grandkids. 

The postal crisis of 2020

 

In the fall of 1973 we were in the midst of the great gas crisis. There were lines to buy gasoline. Gasoline stations closed because they ran out of gas. The old man prognosticated "Don't worry, the price of gas will go up to fifty cents a gallon and then everybody will have enough gas."

Today we are all panicked. We are afraid that the post offices will close. We are afraid there will be no way to mail in our ballots in November. My prediction is that they will raise up the price of buying a stamp by a nickel and all the problems with the post office will go away. We can learn alot from our old mans.  

Mississippi state flag

The election has begun. It means a lot to all of us. That is, the selection of the next Mississippi flag. I rather like the mosquito. Anyone who has ever spent time in the South can emphacize with the propensity of this region with the beloved insect. 

What no change?

Not having kids in school and being retired, I have missed out on some of the exigencies of the pandemic. Sure I can't go to the movies and have to drink in bars that have circus tents, but today I discovered a new wrinkle. Apparently many supermarkets, including my regular place, are no longer giving out change. They will take exact change, but will credit your store card for the change they would have given you. The next time you shop there it will remember you and credit your change to the next purchase. 

Oh this is new. I'll have to remember to bring change with me, unless I'm going to my regular grocery store. They have toilet paper now, but won't give out change. 

Weird names

Today I am sitting home with lots of groceries and a bottle of wine. I even have some things I can eat if there is a power failure. I have three flashlights and have put batteries in my radio. 

Now I can relax, enjoy the lightning and wind, and bitch about the name Isaias. What the heck is that? None of the weather reporters can pronounce it. It is not even a popular name en el mundo hispanola. 

People think they are clever giving weird names to their children. When I was a librarian we had a clerk with a weird name. The truth is I never asked her to do anything because I was afraid I would screw up her name. Teachers don't like to call on kids with weird names because they don't want a student correcting her in front of the class. Bosses won't give them projects because they can't pronounce their names and don't want to be embarrassed. 

Parents don't think about these things when they give their children weird names. I think the World Meteorological Organization should stop trying to be clever. 

British detective shows

Idle hands being the devil's workshop, I have gotten into the habit of watching a lot of British television shows on the telly. I watch Vera, Grantchester, Midsomer Murders, Father Brown, Paradise, and that Australian show about the doctor who butts into police business (Doctor Blake). Following the lead of Miss Marple, in these shows the enlightened amateur, typically a priest, a minister, or a doctor knows more than the civil servant who is paid to solve crimes. 

There is usually an old woman who butts in, occasionally a wife or a girlfriend, and recently an attractive reporter has been appearing in  these shows. I don't know how she dresses so well with a reporter's salary. 

I've become such a regular that I can tell you in advance who committed the deed. It is a pleasant fellow or lady who is introduced early on. Midway through the show we are told about a sketchy character. He is casually mentioned by a witness and then the show moves onto a cheesy laundromat with an over the hill matron. "Jack Barnes, he's in the back" we hear in a cockney accent, in a voice worsened by years of smoking and whiskey. The camera passes to poor Jack, who puts down his iron and runs out the back door. 

The youngish assistant detective runs hither and thither through lower Thrispwich and Jack Barnes is captured. The next scene he is in the witness room at headquarters. He pleads his innocence, tells about another unrelated criminal activity, and in the next scene is released. 

Finally near the end of the show the actual culprit is discovered and we find him standing in the middle of a bridge about to throw himself into the Thames. He is talked down by the detective, or perhaps the doctor or priest, with the promise that he'll only get a year or two for manslaughter. 

How I'd love to see a show where the witness runs and is not captured. In the last scene, the principals talk about how its a shame they were not able to solve the case. Or if they would let the man throw himself into the river and in the last scene we would find out he was as innocent as the new fallen snow. 

I painted my kitchen cabinets

Last week I went to two bars. Yes I had to sit under an umbrella outside but I still got to go to real bars. I have been looking forward to this time for months. In a week or two I'll even be able to sit in the bar indoors. New Jersey did its penance and soon we will be rewarded with the pleasures of hanging out in bars. Unlike Florida which refused to do its penance and now has rising cases of the virus. Like the ants and the grasshoppers, us ants get to enjoy our new found freedoms and the grasshoppers have to suffer. I feel like the kid who did his Catechism and is rewarded with ice cream while the kid next door did not study his Catechism and has to eat spinach. 

I knew people would be bragging about all the projects they took on the past few months. Newly painted living rooms. Kids who can now speak Latin and play the piano. I knew I needed something to say I did, besides growing a beard. I figured painting my kitchen cabinets would be a nice project to take up. Painting took me four days and I dedicated an average of four hours each day to the project. I used lots of masking tape and moved very slowly. Old wooden cabinets sop up paint so they needed multiple coats. I did get some droplets on the floor but I'm planning to get new tiles in the next year anyway so it all worked out. 

One  thing I did learn. Plastic drop cloths suck. The old fashioned cloth drop cloths worked much better. 

Editor's note: The governor of New Jersey is delaying the opening of indoor dining and drinking.

Returning to normal

It looks like things may be starting to get back to normal soon. It will be a readjustment for many of us. The once a week shower will have to be replaced with at the very least a thrice weekly event. We will be able to eat in restaurants, albeit in limited circumstances, ie dining in the parking lot of our favorite place. People we have been able to avoid because of covid19 will want to see us again. Volunteer commitments will have to be re evaluated. 

I drove to Delaware to get a taste of the new normal. I went to the  Christiana mall off Route 95 and walked around, bought a book, and even ate a burrito in the food court. It was a thrill. 

The biggest decision for most men will be what to do about the beard. Millions of men throughout the world have answered that timeless question "I wonder what I would look like with a beard?" with the shaveless option. Of course when no one will see you except your doctor and the liquor store clerk it is easier to sport a goatee than when you have to visit friends and relatives who know you and will have opinions on the topic. I have taken a poll to see what my Facebook friends think. It would be easier to have a wife who would make an non negotiable decision. 

Aunt Agnes on shopping

I went to the supermarket today. I had to wear one of those silly masks. I haven't worn a mask since a Halloween party I went to in the 80s. I went as the lone rangers's wife. I looked like I was going to rob a bank, but I guess I didn't look any worse that anyone else. 

I noticed everybody was real polite in the store. Soon as I got anywhere near to a shelf all the people cleared out of my way. I no longer had to shove my way through to get to the salad dressing. They had toilet paper this time. Is it just me or did they double the price? 

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had a special line for people over sixty. That's one thing I'd like to see continued even when things get back to normal. It's a shame that man ahead of me was so slow and had so many problems. It would have been faster to get on the line with the teenagers. If only I could figure out how these barcode scanner things worked. 

When I got home I washed my hands. Now it's time to cook dinner. The bars are still closed. Good  thing I have some cooking sherry in the closet. Don't want to go out past curfew!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend

As we slowly come out of the big sleep that was social distancing we can celebrate Memorial Day. Here is an oldie but goodie.

Public restrooms in the age of Cholera

Today I took a walk in my local park. Regretting a recent cup of coffee, I was about to perform in the wooded area one of those  tasks that are easier for men than women to execute when I was surprised to see that the restroom was open.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUZEtVbJT5c
The bathroom was open!

Another indication that we may be entering phase 1 on the way to that glorious day when I can join the regulars at my favorite bar in enjoying the pleasures of drink.

Being nostalgic, I remembered one of the happiest days of my childhood, when I joined my father and my oldest brother in joining the men in urinating into the trough at Yankee Stadium. Nothing makes a nine year old kid feel more like a man than joining the throng at a major metropolitan ballpark on a hot summer's day. All that beer and soda has to go somewhere.

Face masks

A new cottage industry has sprung up in America. The selling of face masks. I got mine from a member of a meetup group and I now possess two cloth masks which I can wear when I go to the store. I take one with me when I go to the park but have recently noticed that most people aren't wearing masks there and anyway, there aren't that many people that you can't avoid them. I just don't breathe when I pass a hiker or dog on a walkway. 

Masks can also be used as fashion statements. You can spend serious money on one if you choose. Lately, because I'm old, I can get a free one from my local senior center. They are also finally cropping up at the Shop-Rite (for sale). 

I have noticed most people are wearing the standard hospital blue models. I have a more fashionable brown cloth model. When they open up the coronavirus museum in a couple of years, there should be a nice assortment of the things on display. 

The other thing I have noticed is that men seem to be growing beards. Below the masks I have noticed lots of facial hair among the masculine set. I am also growing a beard. It allows me to feel that at least I am doing something productive during my sojourn. 

May in the time of cholera

So now it's May. Here in New Jersey most parks are now reopened, including the neighborhood one near me. I was excited ( it doesn't take much to get excited about these days).  I no longer had to sneak into Pennsylvania for a hike. I wore my mask, as recommended, but discovered most people were not wearing them. Anyway it wasn't that crowded, except at the entrance near the pond.

I've discovered that connecting the mask flaps with a rubber band and wrapping the thing around my head is easier on my ears and makes the mask less likely to fall off. It almost fell off at the ShopRite yesterday and I was afraid of being arrested.

Walking in the park. Buying wine. Life's little pleasures in the time of cholera. I've noticed a group of mother's and kids are gathering together at the green area where I live. Looks like they are having fun. Hope they cleaned up the dog droppings.

One of the high spots of life today is watching the governor's daily briefings. Each governor is different. Andrew Cuomo reminds me of a college professor teaching calculus to reluctant freshman. California's governor is folksy. Murphy of New Jersey reminds me of a library director on his semi annual staff meeting. Congratulating the staff but reminding them to mind their p's and q's or their recently obtained privileges may be revoked.

Editor's note: Recently I discovered a Kindle book that may be fun for 99 cents. It follows an out of work librarian following Jack Keroauc's journey to Denver. It's called It must be the altitude.

The new oil crisis

The crisis now is that oil prices are low and storage tanks are filled. Apparently that can lead to the price of oil being below zero. Right now in New Jersey you can get gas for about $1.80 or so a gallon. It will be interesting to see if the price of gasoline could go below zero.

You drive to the gas station. He fills up your tank. Then you give him your credit card. He deposits ten dollars to your account. You leave with a full tank of gas and an additional ten dollars on your credit card. I need to wash my mask.

Baseball in the time of cholera

The latest theory going around is that baseball will be played this year in indoor stadiums in Arizona and Florida starting in July.  No fans in the stadiums.  The players will stay in hotels and get bussed to the games. This might be interesting.

The biggest problem that I see is that able bodied male athletes should not be asked to be chaste for an entire baseball season. I can see players getting a little rough and fights breaking out. Perhaps a cotillion of ladies of the evening can be given special dispensation to hang out in the hotels to keep the boys of summer amused.

Better things and Breeders

It's time for my second blog on Better Things. Now that I'm home all day, I have not missed an episode and proudly can tell anyone that I am a feminist, and can prove it by never missing this show.

Although I still like the show and like that the kids are "growing up" and becoming a tiny bit less obnoxious, I now notice a dream like, disjuncted feel to this season. There is no real plotline to the shows, they are almost like  Robert Altman movies, and it is a little jarring. I'm used to a sitcom where there are lots of one-liners, and a plot that is introduced in the beginning of the show and resolves at the end.  And I'm used to a laugh track that tells me when something is funny.

 I liked the scene where the kid, Mom, and Grand mom were cooking in the kitchen. It felt like a real family moment, but it really didn't introduce a problem that was supposed to be resolved by the end of the show. The New Orleans show was also nice, but again where was the plot?

The show that precedes Better Things on Monday nights is Breeders and I have also been watching that while waiting for Better Things. It's not bad, it's a somewhat dry family oriented comedy, of British extraction. Like Better Things, it features children. The twist is that they are raised by a couple that are not married. The show also features parents, with her father being featured, now dying, and his father suddenly turns up in an episode. This one is not a must see for me but as a captive audience, I will probably become a regular viewer.

Fifteen good things about the crisis

Looking at the bright side, here are fifteen good things about the health crisis.

• Everyone will have something to talk about. Next Thanksgiving, we'll all talk about our experiences. 
• It's easier to save money.  Without bars, casinos, restaurants, trips to the city, and travel we can all save money.
• We can get a look at tv talk show hosts houses and see what celebrities look like in their pajamas.
• There's no traffic on the roads.
• We can watch news shows done in people's kitchens.
• We can practice our  cooking skills.  I am getting real good as slicing garlic.
• We now have something to do with the old teddy bears in our closet. 
• We don't have to talk sports with male relatives or co-workers. 
• We are learning the art of the corkscrew. 
• We can practice the guitar or go back to working on our novels. 
• We have an excuse for everything.
• We don't forget to watch our favorite tv shows. 
• We're going to feel wealthy with our $1200.
• Pollution is going down with less people driving.
• Gas prices are real low and we aren't filling up as much either. 
• We don't miss Facebook postings anymore. 
• We can watch our cute neighbors playing with their dogs. 
• Married people and parents get to spend quality time with each other. (No I'm not sharing my abode with a spouse or kids)

Of course for some, nurses, emergency responders, etc. it can mean more work, not just goofing off at home.

I went to the liquor store

Thank you Governor Murphy, I'm sure you will get re-elected because you kept the liquor stores open during Ovid 19. I drove to the liquor store today and happily went in. The clerks were dressed in haz mat costumes, or perhaps like the characters in space in Gravity. Bought my liquor.

At my condo kids were outside playing with their dogs. Apparently, a dog is the license that allows people to hang out in public places and cavort. As long as I have my Internet and my Netflix I will survive the crisis. With a little help from bottled alcohol.

Kitchen sink movies

Thanks to TCM, I've become a fan of kitchen sink movies. These British films of the 50s and 60s show a side of Britain few of us get to see. No royalty, Victorian ballrooms, costumes or gardens, these largely black and white films portray a gritty realism with industrial neighborhoods, working class flats, and inevitably a grimy looking kitchen sink makes its appearance somewhere. A Taste of Honey, Alfie and Look back in Anger  were hits in America but there were lots more made in this genre.

Rita Tushingham was one of the major actors of the era. Not exactly pretty, but with an interesting face, she is a fixture of many British films of the genre. Now that we all have extra time on our hands, searching out kitchen sink movies may prove to be a minor diversion in the coming weeks.

Editor's note: There are some freebies if you search "Kitchen Sink Movies" on Youtube.

How to deal with the toilet paper crisis

https://www.wivb.com/health/coronavirus/why-the-rush-on-toilet-paper-one-economist-believes-he-knows/

Not to gloat but I have four spare rolls of toilet paper and I'm keeping them. I bought them when they were on sale and they should take me to the Fourth of July or at least til Easter.

I just came back from South America, where, at least when I was there, there was no Coronavirus crises. They do have a chronic plumbing situation, though. For the most part you can't flush toilet paper but need to deposit it in a separate receptacle. Gross, but when in Rome....

Now for people who are left here in the USA with their pants down, here are some suggestions. You can cut up old pieces of cloth or sanitary wear that you no longer use. You can use paper towels. You can use newspapers. Just remember to keep them in a separate bag and throw them out as trash (when no one is looking). Of course an expensive but long term solution is to install a bidet.

Editor's note: I know people rely on this blog for critical updates to their life crises.

May we live in interesting times

Looks like we are making history again. It's so exciting. First, the British left the EU. Now the world is in a virus crisis. Americans can no longer visit Italy, Japan, or China. 

If we are to believe all the dire predictions,  we may all have to stay in our homes indefinitely and watch YouTube and Netflix. At least until the Internet dies. Parents will really get to know their children. Husbands will get to spend real quality time with their wives. We'll lose billions of dollars in the stock market and have to grow our own vegetables. 

Within a year most of us will be in our graves. At least that will be good for climate change. 

Still there is the contrarian vision. A few people will pass on, but no more than from the flu. The market will rebound. This will be a good buying opportunity. We'll get to go to work, the stores, and school as usual. It will all be a big scare, like Y2k. It might even turn out to be a great thing for the brave at heart. Airports won't be crowded and there will be lots of bargains. You'll be able to get a reservation at top Broadway shows and restaurants. Who knows? May we live in interesting times. 

Washing hands and men

Today I became aware of another sin that men are guilty of, that of inadequately washing our hands. I know that when I am in a train station I turn the faucet on and open my right hand to allow water to rain over it for two seconds and I'm done. Occasionally, if I have time, the left hand will also get the same treatment.

Apparently this is causing all sorts of afflictions, including that Chinese virus and other maladies. Women, at least according to the aforementioned article, spend five minutes washing their hands using a variety of soaps, perfumes and lotions to perform the task. This is why women are less likely to spread disease if more likely to pick up things.

Since I have retired I have noticed that I have been getting fewer colds. I attribute this to not having to ride elevators all day with co-workers suffering various levels of infections. I don't wash my hands any differently now but have more time to spend in the bathroom clipping my nails and mustache.

Editor's note: Coronavirus not "that Chinese virus"

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day 

For my entire childhood and on into early adulthood my father and I happily strolled through February with a smile on our faces, never having to think about what to give Mother for Valentine’s Day. My girlfriend, when I had one, might have gotten something but that was as far as it went. The thing that ruined it was that darn beauty parlor.

One February 14 Mother went to the beauty parlor and all the customers sat in their chairs bragging about all the things their husbands and their children were giving them for Valentine’s Day. One talked about the beautiful roses her son sent here from Florida. Another talked about the cruise her husband was taking her on for Valentine’s Day. The hairdresser was so pleased with the chocolates her son had given her that morning.

That night at dinner boy did we get it. “This one is getting a cruise. That one got an expensive watch. This one is going out to Le Freup a Tell in Manhattan. And what are you giving me?” My father looked surprised. He didn’t know he was supposed to give her something. He never had in the past and they all had been happy as clams at high tide.

He put his arms around her and said “All of my love”. That didn’t work. She looked at me.

I tried to rescue the situation. “But mother, Valentine’s Day isn’t for your mother! It’s for your girlfriend or your mistress!” That didn’t work either. From then, every year, we had to give her something for Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day. You’re just getting over the Christmas bills and along comes Valentine’s Day. And you have to give candy to your secretary and the ladies at work. More money coming out of the poor man’s pocket. Happy Valentine’s Day to all.

Editor's note: This oldie was originally published in 2007.

Impeachment hearings

Never in my life have I ever been so proud to be an American as I was last night watching the Impeachment hearings. Hearing the Republicans vote unanimously to not allow any documents or witnesses in the trial. I've never seen a trial like that! The founding fathers would be so proud. Watching the bored Senators squirm in their seats. Look, Bernie Sanders is stretching his legs. So proud to be a Senator. 

The speeches were also very moving and informative. So many surprises! A wonderful moment in America's history. 

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex

Here is the official website of Harry and Meghan. Quite refined, actually. The message is a little ambiguous though. Yes they want to change their relationship with their royal patronage but don't really explain how they hope to do it. They claim they want to live in Canada but insiders say Los Angeles is their goal. They claim they want to be financially independent. That should be interesting. Celebrities without any major talents can sometimes be disappointments when they dive into real world pursuits. I remember Chelsea Clinton's illustrious career as a commentator on NBC or Ron Reagan's tv show.

They would be ideal for a reality show but that would be too tawdry. Perhaps Harry could open a flying school. Word is that Meghan is going to do voice overs for Disney. That might work. Meghan could play an elf in a Hallmark Christmas special. Harry could be a color commentator in the upcoming Olympics.  So many people wish they had the problems of the Duke and Duchess.

Please don't jump off the bridge

Had a pleasant walk across  the Ben Franklin Bridge from Camden to Philadelphia. I couldn't help but notice that as soon as we left New Jersey for Pennsylvania we started seeing suicide prevention signs. I guess they were afraid we were going to all jump off the bridge into the Delaware River.

Coming back we saw more signs. After crossing into New Jersey again the signs stopped. I guess they don't care if you commit suicide in New Jersey.

Why are we so obsessed with Jane Austen

Becoming bored with the Golden Globe awards, I switched channels and happened upon a BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth as Mr. Darby. The last time I was at the movies I saw a coming attraction for a new production of Emma. I notice Channel 13 has on the cover of its January program guide "Sanditon", a new production of Jane Austen's last novel. Why, I asked, this obsession with Jane Austen? She seems to be America's hottest novelist and yet she died almost two hundred years ago.

At the heart of her work is the task of finding a suitable partner, made more difficult if there is no male heir for the estate. A partner should have the social skills to dance the quadrille and the minuet, play whist, duel, and have enough property to provide an adequate income. A woman must have dancing skills, play the piano, know how to dine in a formal setting, speak intelligently, and ideally be comely, refined and ideally also have an income.

When you looked at a potential partner, you saw them, as well as their estate. Just like when people look at a retired civil servant, they see his  handsome appearance as well as his  pension.

As America moves away from being a meritocracy and moves towards a country where the success of your parents and grandparents will have more import than your SAT scores, we are learning from Jane Austen how to live in the new/old world. Rather than be taught math, women of the the future will base their success on their abilities at the piano, the quilt, and the selection of appropriate attire for a picnic by the lake of their summer property.

Predictions 2020 on Dec 31, 2019

This is my tenth anniversary predictions blog. It was a good year for a lot of things but not for my prognostications. In general, I was too pessimistic. I said the Eagles would not be in the hunt, and as of now they are very much in the hunt, even in the playoffs. Interest rates are lower today than a year ago, contrary to my prediction. I predicted Mike Pence would be our president at the end of this year, also wrong. Trade sanctions with China appear to be diminishing, which I did predict. Last year I predicted Microsoft would be selling at 120, much below the end of year high of 158.

 Entity:              Dec 31, 2018:      Dec 31, 2019:

                                                     as I predicted.
Dow Jones               23327               26000
S and P                      2507                2900
NAS                          6635                7000
Oil                              45.81              70
Unemployed              4.1%               4.5%
Microsoft                  101.57             120

 Entity:                Today:              Dec 31, 2020:

Dow Jones               28538             30000
S and P                        3231                3500
NAS                            8973                9100
Oil                              61.21                70
Unemployed             3.5%             4.5%
Microsoft                  157.7                 170

For the end of 2020 I see Joseph Biden as the president elect. The Eagles will have a wild car slot. The new decade will be up and down on stocks. It will end with a slight gain. Brexit will finally happen and add tariffs to British trade transactions and lead to a slight contraction in their economy.  Global warming will get worse but the USA will begin a slow return to normalcy. Happy New Years.

Why does Santa ride on a fire truck?

One tradition that we have in America that they don't have anywhere else in the world is that of a fire truck roaring through the neighborhood with Santa. It is a tradition unique to our country. If you were to ask me what I like best about the Christmas season, it is the fire trucks screaming through the condos and the waving of Santa. Why this became a tradition I do not know.  It is one of the mysteries of life along with why Andrew Yang is in the presidential debates. 

I now have an Echo

Occasionally, I list the things that a successful baby boomer should have in his possession. The last time I wrote on this topic I announced that I was catching up with my peers, I even had a Roomba, albeit an old one,  but still lacked the latest thing, an Echo.

Like a lot of my peers I viewed Alexa as creepy and something that I certainly did not need. Recently though, I have been doing chores in the kitchen and wished I could listen to pod casts while cooking or washing clothes,  as well as  have access to more radio stations than my vintage clock radio provided.

Last week I got a birthday present from a distant relative, and what should it contain but, an Echo!👲 I am now up to date (I still don't have an ex wife and a daughter with a summer place but you can't have everything). I now have a friend I can talk to who lives in my kitchen.

To be honest, at sixty dollars, it is a bargain. I understand it is a loss leader to sell more products, but even if you just use the free stuff it is useful. I can now say, "Alexa, play the Slate political gabfest" and it will. I can ask to play a radio station and it does. I can set a time alarm, find the weather, get a new Spanish word for the day, hear the Dow average, and get a recipe for Mince pie. It doesn't have a large music library unless you pay extra, but if you have ordered music from Amazon over the years it will play songs from those purchases.

I have to admit it feels creepy talking to the thing, a man alone in the kitchen talking to his new friend. I guess I can say it added a new skill to my resume. Supervising an artificial  friend.

Editor's note: No I don't have Spotify  but that is permissible for a baby boomer, if not for someone under 50.

Is it by Churchill or will I have to sell my uncles farm in Normandy?

Netscape has a tendency to thrust on us unfunny comedy specials, silly millennial sitcoms and schmaltzy Christmas specials.  Still, by searching through the caverns of its fare, one can occasionally find an obscure show that is good for a few laughs.

My latest find is the very British "Fake or Fortune". It shows how a painting's provenance is analyzed using high technology, talking to families associated with the history of the work, and listening to the opinions of art specialists. The specialists criticized one Churchill work by noting that the Prime Minister sucked at drawing people and that the  people in the painting in question are too well executed.

The thing I like most about the show is when they interview people who have some connection to the work. Here we are given a rare look at the gentry of England with their posh accents,  living in genteel poverty in grand castles with bad plumbing.

Fiona will ask Philip "Oh dear perhaps if we could meet the daughter of the Earl of Thwickham they could tell us if the painting was in their uncle's will." Then we go to a beautiful room with chandeliers and Chippendales (but I suspect poor wireless) and get to meet  a dear eighty year old woman who sadly tells us that the wills were destroyed in the fire of 1949.

In an attempt to add drama to the story, our hearts are usually tugged at by the news that if the painting is real the owners will be able to salvage the horse farm in Sussex or bring the castle up to code. We are made to really feel for old moneyed Britishers whose lives will be so much better if only they can prove that the Monet in their possession is the real McCoy.

Editor's note: Sorry for all the Netflix reviews. I need to get out more. Now they are trying to get me to watch a Christmas show in German with subtitles. Fake or Fortune is also on YouTube.

How America ruined England

I've been happily advancing through season 3 of the Crown. Like most Americans, I find the trials of tribulations of Britain to be entertaining and satisfying, perhaps even more than our tawdry history here in the colonies. Sadly if unintentionally, many of the problems that appear in the Crown can be traced to America. Episode after episode shows how the glory that was Britannia has been laid low by the influence of those ruffians across the Atlantic.

Wallis Simpson, an American, is the first person to try to take the Royals away from their mission by stealing their future king. Then the Americans had to come in and win the war against the Nazi's, much to olde Winston's chagrin. Then, hat in hand, they had to beg America for money and used dear Lady Margaret to lure it out of the hands of that awful American president from Texas.

Prince Philip gave an embarrassing interview on the American TV show, Meet the Press, and caused much consternation at Buckingham Palace. Harold Wilson happily is shown destroying the small town commerce of Britain by opening an American style supermarket.

Today, beyond the scope of the Crown, the indignities continue. We have an American TV star married to a prince. We have dear Prince Andrew brought down by an American businessman and purveyor of underage delicacies. If only the Americans had kept their rock and roll, Walmarts, and other corrupting  influences on their side of the Atlantic, Britain would be much happier than it is today.

Quid Pro Quo

If there is one good thing that has come out of the Impeachment hearings, it's that all of us now know what "Quid Pro Quo" means. I'm waiting for someone to name a bar after the term, perhaps in a place frequented by lawyers.

Truthfully, we all live by quid pro quo everyday. We get something we want in return for something we reluctantly give. Our parents want us to go to Aunt Clara and Uncle Ben's 50th wedding anniversary. We see how we can use this to our advantage and the next thing you know we have borrowed the boat for the weekend.

Our son is complaining about needing a new pair of sneakers. We get him to agree to go to Aunt Bertha's house for her birthday. The son gets his sneakers and Aunt Bertha gets to see her favourite nephew. Quid pro Quo.

Our boss wants us to go to a meeting. We don't want to go. Our boss lets us take the day after Thanksgiving off. We go to the meeting. Quid pro Quo.

Unfulfilled quid pro quo can get a bit murky. Is it quid pro quo if the kid gets the sneakers and then gets a cold on the birthday of dear Aunt Bertha?  Our girlfriend wants  us to visit her parents, we go, but that night  she cuts off our sexual advances. That is thwarted quid pro quo. Sine qua non? 

California and the American dream

Northern California, as well as the Los Angeles area are experiencing the twin disasters of fire and power outages. They say that things always happen first in California and it looks like the damage from climate warming are coming there first.

Among my friends at college, the general view of where to move after college was decidedly in favor of California, or at least, the west. "F--k New Jersey" they all said. "I'm getting out of here to where the chicks are good looking and the air is clean. California is where I'm heading." Moving to Califiornia has always been the American dream.  I know there's an old expression, be careful of what you wish for.

Shameless

I know I'm eight years behind, but I've just finished season 1 of Shameless am quite impressed. It's a show about the real America as lived by a family of con artists in a snow filled Chicago. The leader of the clan, Frank Gallagher, is living the American dream of having family members work for him while he hangs out in bars and collects disability insurance.

What a great show. I'm sure it goes downhill from the first season but I am having a swell time. Here's a sociologist interpretation of the show. Now on Netflix.

The $1500 frozen pizza

It was a rainy afternoon and I had been driving all day and I felt like a beer. I drove into a friendly looking bar and ordered a brew. Next to me was an older man with a golf hat on and a smile to his face. He looked at me and said, "The last frozen pizza I made cost me $1500."

I suspected I was about to hear a story. I turned off my cellphone, sipped my beer and said, "Really, how did that come to be?"

"I was a chilly night and I was too lazy to cook. Instead I took a frozen pizza out of the fridge and put it in the oven. My oven only has a top burner because the bottom one is broke. I turned it on and to my surprise, for the first time in years both burners worked and the oven got nice and toasty.

" After ten minutes I could smell the pizza but I hear a sort of sizzling sound. I opened the oven and it was full of black smoke. The pizza was done but apparently, so was the oven.

"I went to PC Richards and picked out a Samsung oven that would match my TV and cell phone. The lady said, "we'll install the oven if it has a plug.

" My set up is the old fashioned kind that has a wire going from the oven to the wall.

"Sorry, but you need a 40 amp plug. Call an electrician and have him put in a wall plug and I'll order the oven.

"The electrician came and said he could install a plug on the back wall but only if I got rid of the old oven first, since he needed the area to work. I went onto Nextdoor and found a guy who hauled old electronic equipment. He was an organic farmer and hauled stuff with his son and truck for extra income. He was late coming over because his pet turtle escaped and he had to find him.

"The electrician came back and put in the new wall plug, but let it loose against the wall. When the PC Richards guy came he drove a hole in the wall and put the plug there, giving me an extra two inches of space so the oven could go flush against the wall.

"Finally I had a new oven with timer gizmos, a convection oven, a warming tray and other stuff I don't know how to use. The oven heated up the place so much I needed to turn on the air conditioner. That's when I noticed the air conditioner didn't work.

"I changed the battery in the thermostat but I still got no results when I turned on the fan, the air or the heat. Finally I called the air conditioning guy."

My new friend sipped his beer and the bartender winked at me. "He's been telling that story all week. Anyway I make better pizza here than he can make at home."

"Anyhow" the storyteller continued, "the air conditioning guys checked the thermostat and found out  it wasn't  getting any power. They checked the air handler and found out it wasn't getting any power either. They monkeyed around with my fuse box. Finally there was an a - ha moment. The switch in the air handler was frozen. Apparently when I first shorted out the oven, it blew the fuse in the air handler and burned the switch.

"The air conditioning guys charged me two hundred and fifty dollars for the service call." The cost of that, the hauler, the electrician and the oven cost me fifteen hundred dollars."

"So, after all that, how was the pizza?" I asked.

"I over cooked it. I guess I got to get used to the new oven."

I finished my beer and got ready to leave. By now the bar was filling up and so was the highway.

Editor's note: Now that I reconciled my checking account I see that they only charged me $150 for fixing the air handler.

Los Angeles as shown on Netflix

Recently I've been alternating between two Netflix shows, Flaked, set in Venice, and the Girls Guide to Divorce, set in the swankier parts of LA. Both shows have lots of exterior shots of Los Angeles, and serve as a travelogue. 

Girls guide is entertaining and shows how upper crust 30-40 somethings navigate divorce and love while living in gorgeous digs and dressing well. The characters have difficult children and exes and problematic boyfriends. In this show average looking, not so youngish women are shown to be attractive to good looking young men. Perhaps this fantasy is presented to attract women viewers. We also get an inside look at the world of television, media and law for these privileged characters. 

Venice has always had a special place in most baby boomers hearts for its hipness and at the same time being a little rough around the edges. This show, like Tales of the City, shows what happens when aging hipsters confront the high rents as their neighborhoods gentrify. This is a likeable show, and makes you want to spend a week in Venice, just to soak up the ambience. The male female equation is reversed here, with good looking women being attracted to less than remarkable guys. Guess they are looking for a more male oriented demographic. 

Both shows have some hard to believe plot twists. Love the bicycle built for two in Flaked. 

Impossible whopper

Apparently hipsters have been given permission to go to a fast food restaurant. It is now okay to go to Burger King to order an impossible whopper. It was even recommended on a Slate podcast.

Having gout, I thought it might be fun to eat a burger without having to worry about uric acid or triglycerides so I tried one.

First thing I discovered is that they are expensive. A small meal with cheese came to over ten dollars, almost four dollars more than a regular Whopper with cheese meal. They do look like a regular Whopper, though.

The taste is actually okay. Definitely better than any Morningstar product I have ever tried. If you were in a bar and had just consumed four beers and few shots and were handed one you probably would wolf it down and think you were eating a real hamburger.

On close inspection it doesn't taste exactly like a hamburger, although I can't exactly say why. I also noticed a slight taste of peanut butter lingered after the meal. Still if you were in a motor court on a highway and were tired of lackluster chicken sandwiches, it might be a nice alternative.

Cheddar

I noticed a new channel on my cable this week, Cheddar. It came out of Buzz Feed and was recently purchased by Altice, which owns Optimum Cable. I guess that's why I'm seeing it on my Optimum service. It is also on YouTube.

What is Cheddar? It appears to be a business oriented channel with millennial aged hostesses. The YouTube has mini documentaries on topics like "Why does New York City smell?" Apparently the absence of alleys has a lot to do with it.

Is it worth looking into? I dunno. It looks like it is an attempt to reach a business oriented audience that is youngish, perhaps people who have invested in the market while living in Mom's basement. I will have to watch more of it before I come to a definitive answer.

Bocce

One of the traditions that people of Italian American descent are exposed to is the playing of Bocce. Yesterday I played bocce in Bradley Beach New Jersey, followed by the competitive sport of eating pizza, along the great coastal shore of New Jersey.

Although I usually suck at sports, I can proudly say I was only the second worst player in the group and even got a few lucky moments when I brought honor and points to the "reds". The team name being determined by the color of the ball used.

You'll see bocce, in different forms, being played throughout Europe and in Italian neighborhoods along the East coast of the USA. In America it is traditionally played by old men of Italian origin but it is slowly picking up speed among non Italians in places like Texas. Like pickelball, it is one of those sports where, with perseverance, even someone who sucks at sports can play a decent or at least non embarrassing game.

Editor's note: The white marker ball is the pallino not polenta.

I missed Woodstock

When baby boomers reminisce about their weekend at Woodstock, I have an evil (until now) secret that I have held. Instead of going to Woodstock that weekend I went with my parents to Mo-No-Mo-Nock. Instead of skinny dipping in the rain, I swam in the pool with the bathing suit that Mother picked out for me. Instead of taking acid and listening to the Grateful Dead, I went to the square dance and line danced with the other guests at the hotel.

All the hip kids at school went to Woodstock (if they weren't back packing in Europe) while I was playing golf with my father at Mo-No-Mo-Nock. I was one of the guys at the pool saying, "Woodstock! I would draft the whole lot of them!" While most baby boomers remember Woodstock, I will always remember the weekend at the Pocono's with mother and father Hubbard.

Youtube q and a videos

One of the features of subscribing to You tube channels is that, if you wait long enough, you will come upon a q and a session. These are usually originally done live but are available later in taped form. In general, they are a lazy way for a You tuber to get an easy program in without having to do any location shots, editing, or scripting. They simply answer questions that people send them.

Depending on how you view You tube, you may or may not know the questions they are answering. Typically, the host or hosts look at the screen and answer questions. Typical answers are "No I've never been to Russia". "Yes I plan to going to an In and Out place when I come to the states". "No I hate dogs." "I'm not talking about my former boyfriend!"

Q and A also gives the host/hosts a chance to promote their merchandise and Patreon. Apparently Patreon is a big money maker for You tubers.

Last week I saw an interesting Q and A. The host ate Chinese chicken with chopsticks and answered questions. Politicians could learn a lot from her. Boris Johnson could have a bowl of Thai chicken and eat it with chopsticks while answering questions from Parliament. Might come in handy when we get closer to Brexit.

Oh what in Heaven's name should I do with my Amazon boxes

Lately I have been trying to throw out the old junk that is accumulating in my abode. I have gotten rid of some things but I find I have tons of old Amazon boxes. I have always reasoned that I need them for returns (in reality I have never returned anything from Amazon) or to send gifts to people (because I've gotten in the habit of using Amazon to send gifts to non local people I don't do this very often). The reality is that the boxes accumulate in my closet.

Apparently you can use the boxes to ship stuff to Goodwill industries (with free shipping). They also make good kindling if you need to build a bonfire. I suppose I can recycle them if I remember to dismember the boxes into flat surfaces.

Women's pockets are smaller than mens

Today I learned something that I never knew. That the pockets in women's pants are considerably smaller than the pockets in men's pants. That's why a man can walk somewhere without having to carry a pocket book or back pack. Women can't because the pockets in women's trousers are too small to fit a wallet, cellphone, or even, in some cases, keys.

Now I know why women are always lugging around pocket books. There must be some advantage to this system but I haven't figured out what it is. Perhaps a throwback to the Victorian era?

Teens working less in summer

New reports indicate young people are now less likely to have summer jobs. Apparently they are not just hanging out on the beach, though. They are volunteering, taking summer classes, and backpacking in Europe.

I have many memories of my summer job in high school. That money also paid for pizza, transportation to school, and pot that I used throughout the school year.

I guess it's good and bad. The thing I learned the most about my summer job is the importance of the coffee break.